The Announcement

I have mentioned this in a post before, I believe, but I always wanted to start a family a little younger, as I was always conscious of my parents ages. I wanted to make sure my babies got to know their grandparents more than I got to know mine. However,  that obviously didnt happen early enough for my dad.

He was able to be "there" through my first two pregnancies, he got to see my tummy grow, feel the kicks, hear about the appointments, the cravings, the symptoms. This time, he doesnt really get to experience any of it. I thought sharing with him that we were pregnant again would be hard, I just knew I'd cry, but the moment really wasnt what I expected it to be. There were no tears, and there wasnt any happiness, it was what it always is, nothing. He didnt even look at me, which is typical these days (except when you first see him), he didn't try to hold my hand, or make any sounds or movement. He just was. And somehow it wasnt even devastating, just acceptance. 

I was excited to be able to tell him in person, nervous because I thought it would be an emotional moment, but excited nonetheless. You see, I havent been able to visit him as much as I'd like recently because of some other health struggles I've been having, another story all together, and it has prevented me from driving. This is a large part in why he wont be able to experience the pregnancy this time around. I'm not able to see him as much.

It was actually my very first time visiting my daddy completely alone. I traveled down for a day to share the news and pick some things up from my parents house. My mom already knew, we told her Christmas Eve. I drove in and completely prepped myself. I ended up feeding him lunch, that he didnt eat (it was disgusting in his defense) and took him for a walk. He fell asleep. I woke up him,  kind of, and told him.  And just like that the moment was over and I was leaving.

I know, this isnt an exciting story, or really even interesting but I share this because it is part of the journey. I feel when I think about my dad, that life has stopped, because for him it has but outside of that home, life has gone on without him. This little event, this event that everyone should be so excited to share with their parent(s) terrified me. And now I have to wait and see how I feel the day of the birth, the day my daddy has ALWAYS been there, in the waiting room, anxious, stressed, while unable to talk tor verbalize, but nonetheless there. Will I cry? Will this affect the day? Will this be the big elephant in the room? How will this change things? I have 26 weeks to anticipate this moment, and somehow I only imagine it can't be much worse.

I am thankful he is still here, and thankful for all that we have, but I wish every day that it didn't have to be this way. Hug your loved ones, call them, hold them tight.