The Laughter That Left

I have to say, if you ever met my dad, you'd know he was the most incredible man, with the best laugh, a warm smile, a huge heart and a knack to tell jokes just right.  He could talk to anyone and was always the friendliest man in the room. He loved animals, and he would give you the shirt off his back if you asked him to. I always admired him, I still do, and I still feel so lucky to be his daughter. I've always been daddy's girl. Now though, that smile is gone, that laugh is gone, and who was once the funniest man in the room is now just a man who stares blankly at a television screen. I admire him now for his strength to live through the most horrendous disease, with grace. Some that struggle with the disease are angry, aggressive, even violent. My dad is patient, easy going, and sweet, even on his worst days. I think that speaks volumes about his character.

I had always wanted children young because my parents were much older (they had struggled to get pregnant with me) than most parents for only children my age. I wanted them to be able to get to know their grandkids and I wanted my children to have many memories with them. That's why, I still believe it was an absolute miracle, not just a blesssing, that we got pregnant when we did. In the Winter of 2013, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child; not long after I had first noticed something wasn't quite right with my father.

We called my parents just after a Valentine's Day to tell them the news, expecting them to be shocked but excited. The words I was met with from my mom was exactly as expected but my dad...my dad gave me a phrase he'd been using steadily over the last few months whenever I'd tell him something good, "I'm thrilled for you." Now, you may think that's a great phrase to say, but you had to hear it. It was completely monotone, and a phrase he'd recently used to respond to me buying something on sale at Target. I could only think one thing "wow." Yet still, despite the signs, I still didn't think anything. I mean his baby was having a baby, maybe it really was just shock, right? Wrong. How very wrong I was.

At this point, we'd been introduced to a few of the signs and symptoms. His lack of talking, holding onto common phrases, being task oriented (obsessive), and though my mom had not filled me in on it yet, he was having trouble writing words and numbers. I should also point out that my Granddad, my dads dad, died with Alzheimer's; however, he was in his late 80's, much older than my dad is. I thought since I was familiar with Alzheimer's, with a form of dementia, I'd recognize it and in a way I think I did, but my heart wouldn't believe it.

I was just two months pregnant, over 17 hours away from my parents and completely unaware of the devasting disease that was taking over my fathers mind. I've looked up so many studies, medicines, treatments, diets, etc., over the last 4 years and in the end there is nothing yet that will help him. I kick myself daily, why didn't I see it sooner? The moments I will share here, and this one in particular, scream 'help him!' but back then, I had no idea.  I keep telling myself there was nothing more I could have done.

*That picture was taken in June of 2013