Change. A tough pill to Swallow.

A few months have passed and while the help that my mom has gotten from the VA has made her life much less stressful, my dad has just gotten worse. I'm not sure what could be described as a rapid decline but from my perspective his decline is rapid. Every time I see him, which is just about every other week, he is that much worse. In the last three months I have only heard him say one word, I have not been able to get any eye contact from him, and I have rarely seen him awake.

The Parkinson's has all but taken over. My dad gets episodes where he can't stand up, where his muscles become so rigid you can literally see it in his legs and arms. He cannot eat by himself, cannot swallow a pill (he chews them) and snores more and more. He's had such bad days that his one day care has literally sat my mom down and told her if this continues as a daily event then they can no longer care for him. But if they can no longer care for him, then how can my mother, on her own?

He goes to a private day care as well as the VA run day care, he also has in home care 2 days a week for a few hours a day. While all of this is great for my mother, it's just becoming too much for her. The last few days my mom has had trouble getting him up, has had trouble making him walk, getting him to the bathroom or just getting him out of bed and she can't do all it by herself. We have prayed over this and talked about this so many times. Just this morning around 9:30, after I dropped Michael off at school, my mom and I had the talk about what happens the next time the VA nursing home calls and says they have a spot open. I told my mom in all honesty, 'it's OK I know that these events aren't daily right now, but soon enough they will be. They used to be few and far between and now they're every couple of days. Pretty soon they'll be everyday. You have to realize this.' My aunt (my dads youngest sister) and I have both experienced my dad being dropped off from his daycare hunched over shaking uncontrollably and so physically and emotionally tired that he could not walk into the home. I think about this all the time, what if we hadn't been there what if we couldn't help my mom what if he had fallen? He's on medication for his heart, blood thinners. A fall could be lethal. There are so many what ifs. I told my mom 'don't use your heart anymore you have taken care of him long enough you have sacrificed enough and whether they call in a month, two months it's time he is ready, you're ready, we both know he would never want to be in a home but you know what he would never want? YOU to be taking care of him. He would never want this to be happening.'

Just like last time, right when my mom can't handle it anymore, it's like a sign. A sign that I feel like we can't ignore. The nursing home called just two hours after the talk and there's a spot open. It's almost ironic or just crazy, maybe divine intervention but the last time that we had this conversation this exact same thing happened; on the same day they called. She has until nine o'clock in the morning to tell them if he is going to go and then he will be admitted within the next week. Her heart is not ready, her heart is breaking but she sees my perspective. Yet she also thinks that doing this is selfish. Is it really so selfish that she has to give up her life for my ailing father?

She told me, after she got the call, that she watched my aunt take care of my grandfather for years after he developed Alzheimer's, a different dimentia to what my father has, and she swore that she never ever would do that for someone, no matter how much she loved them. She thought that was crazy. And as much as I admire my mom and how strong she is, willful she is, how much love she has given my dad, she is right. It's crazy. Crazy that she has taken care of him pretty much by herself this entire time. Anyone would agree.

I always thought that this moment of finding this news out would be a lot harder for me. It isn't though. I think I've really already grieved my father and it almost pains me to think that I am not hurting more because of it. Maybe I just know it's the right thing to do, but he needs more than any loved one can give him. Still, on that note, having grieved my father I'm not ready to lose my mom to this too.

It is a big decision and I know it's gonna break her heart but she has to do what's right for her, not for this person that has become my father. Please pray for my family, please pray for my mom, please pray that she can grieve my dad the way that I have. Please pray to let her realize that no matter what decision she makes, she is NOT selfish. She has given up so much already and I hope she realizes it will all be OK in the end.