Happy Birthday, Daddy ♡
If you look at him he looks the same. He looks young. The same youthful Kenny boy. It makes it all that more sad. I wish I could have visited him yesterday on his actual birthday but we got home from our family vacation a little later than planned and had to go with a belated celebration instead. He saw me the minute I came in to get him and greeted me with what I'd describe as happy eyes. I started tearing up. I asked him if he had fun celebrating his birthday yesterday and he replied for once, "yes." (My mom brought him a milkshake so you know it was a party!)
Michael and Sophia wanted to go see the fish so off we went. My dad seemed uninterested so I got down on my knees to talk to him face to face (he is in a wheelchair) and for the first time, Sophia climbed in my lap to see her granddad (a first-she is very unsure about him) which melted my heart. After the fish, we went out to the fountain lake for a walk to see the geese, as my daddy loves animals. As were walking I kept thinking how I couldnt believe this is the way we're celebrating his birthday...here, in a locked and key nursing home. So, that rabbit hole I've been in before started again. I began to reflect.
I hate that my husband and children have been introduced to this disease through my daddy. I hate that I've yet again been introduced to this disease because of my daddy (originally from my granddad). I hate that this is the only way my kids will ever know their granddad. I hate that Mike never got to know my daddy the way he should have, I hate that he will never wake up from this. But life goes on, right? I vividly remember my granddad leaning over to my uncle and asking who the little girl was sitting by him (me), I remember how devastated my dad was when he realized his dad didnt recognize him. I remember putting him in a home and him not coming out of it. I remember the bad, vividly. While I see how well Michael does with my dad and it makes my heart so happy, there are no real 'good' memories of him for Michael to remember. He and Soph will only have Dementia memories, and I am sorry for that.
These thoughts go through my head daily, but today, on a day of celebrations, they were full force. But, I try not to cry in front of our babies, I don't want them to know more than they need to, so I pulled my sunglasses down and made the best of our time. When we went back inside, I did the floss for my daddy. If you havent heard of it, it's a silly dance craze currently, and my niece taught it to me on vacation. If you know me and my dad, you know we had a million inside jokes that mainly consisted of silly dance moves or wierd accents, and the Floss didnt disappoint. My dad smiled, a huge smile, if he could have belly laughed I think he would have, and it made the whole day worth it.
There are good things Michael and Sophia will remember. They may not be trips to the beach, the zoo, disney, etc..but that is okay; I can share my memories with them. For now, silly moments, trips to the fish tank, walks around the lake and catching frogs in the parking lot is enough. It has to be. Happy birthday, daddy. I am so glad that I have you still, that you get to see my babies grow up, even if it is from a nursing home.
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